I hate that feeling of being sad, when you know you shouldn't be, and I hate that feeling of uncertainty, and i hate not knowing what to do.

Believe Me

(Half song)

So wouldya wouldya wouldya believe me
If I told I was sorry for leavin you
Wouldya wouldya understand
If I told you I need you to be my man

(chorus)
So common common common
Lets try to fix it
Common Common Common
Mend it up

So common common common
lets try to fix it
Common common Common
Dont close this door

wrote this in about 2 mins.....3 years ago. I WANT to finish the song. I'm fortunately happier than ever though, great boyfriend, great friends, great family...how is it that i always write best when I'm going thru hardship!?!?

Gross. All my songs seem to be about heartbreak, either mine or the other person. I'm on an exploration of finding myself fully this summer/into fall, and would like to not have the feeling of heartbreak for a verrry verrry long time or ever again preferably. I got my lip pierced today. My parents hate me at the moment, but after the initial shock of it my mom came upstairs and told me she loved me no matter what and all that mattered was that I was happy. I am happy. I typically live to make others happy, even when I'm working it is all about pleasing others. I have felt many times that others dont care enough to want me to be happy as well and I shut myself out of peoples' lives or push them away, but at this point in my life I know I am surrounded with people that are more supportive than any that I have ever surrounded myself with before.

It's sad to me that someone that I viewed as such a prominent part of my life for such a long time I have discovered repeatedly lied to me the entire time I knew them, over and over and over again. I never knew, and even though I had a falling out with this person a while back I am broken heartened all over again now that I have been told the truth, and it has been bothering me for a while. I think it is cowardly to lie to someone for so long. I am no saint I have definitely done it, but it always turns out badly. I dont wish revenge or karma on this person, (ok, maybe a little) mostly I wish they were bold enough to tell me the truth, not others who tell me, the person themselves. I think if this were to happen I could forgive and move on. I highly doubt this will ever happen, so I will always have only bad memories of them, never any good and that is sad.

I am so happy that I have people I know I can turn to, this has not been an easy time in my life, and does not look to be getting any easier any time soon. It is the best feeling in the world knowing if you fall, at least a dozen or more will be there to catch you.

I used to hate you
But now I love you
So like a rose
So like a rose

But when you kiss me
I wanna slap you
But sorry it's lost
The feeling is lost

I chew my nails down
I look at the ground
I am pissed
I am shy

Because you threw me
in a blender
I am hot
I am cold

Do you wanna get to know me
Do you wanna learn to get inside my head
Do you wanna get to touch me
Cause now my ex is officially dead

I don't lalalala like you
I lalalala love you
I used to hahaha hate you
And now I really fucking love you

I'm feeling stupid
But I won't tell you
I am blond
I feel dumb

I sound sweetly
in the daytime
Night I'll turn,
Night I'll turn

I smoke my eyes out
Hoping you'll shout
Be my girlfriend
Be my girlfriend

And when you just flirt
I'll tell you it hurts
I want more
I want more

So you do you wanna get to know me
Do you wanna learn to get inside my head
Do you wanna get to touch me
Cause now my ex is officially dead

I don't lalalala like you
I lalalala love you
I used to hahaha hate you
And now I really fucking love you

Could you, could you, could you, could you keep a secret
Would you, would you, would you, would you wanna keep it
Wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna make a scandal
But I can get ya, get ya, get ya by the handle
And if you, if you, if you really feel me
Then you got me, got me, got me thinking maybe
For a minute, or maybe two, but not in public
I'll make you lalalala lovesick

I don't lalalala like you
I lalalala love you
I used to hahaha hate you
But now I really fucking love you

I don't lalalala like you
I lalalala love you
I used to hahaha hate you
But now I really fucking love you

I wish I could take all your pain
and turn it unto me
I wish I could, just for you,
make it all a distant memory

I could pass you on the street now
You would glance over my way
You would wonder if we ever had met
But nothing, I would say

I would smile and pass on by
Let you be on your way
Then I would go home and think of you
Because, I still love you, to this day

Can anyone erase a memory?
Just 1 year is all I need
It was then you didn't know me
And it was then you were pain free.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
— Marilyn Monroe

I dont know what i've done
Or if i like what i've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That i should go and this should end
Oh and i found my self listening

Cause i dont know who i am, who i am without you
All i know is that i should
And i dont know if i could stand another hand upon you
All i know is that i should
Cause she will love you more than i could
She who dares to stand where i stood

See i thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And i think i am just as torn inside

Cause i dont know who i am, who i am without you
All i know is that i should
And i dont know if i could stand another hand upon you
All i know is that i should
Cause she will love you more than i could
She who dares to stand where i stood

And I wont be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me then any one i've ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so i say to you, this is what i have to do.

Cause i dont know who i am, who i am without you
All i know is that i should
And i dont know if i could stand another hand upon you
All i know is that i should
Cause she will love you more than i could
She who dares to stand where i stood
She who dares to stand where i stood.

Its hard to trust someone when the last person you learned to trust said the same exact things to you. You cant forget your past when it seems like you keep getting reminded of it and you keep reliving it. I'm trying hard and I want to believe everything you say and let myself be with you fully, but I'm having a difficult time doing so currently.

The more I grow up the more I realize that I hold onto a lot of things. I hold grudges, I continue to relive bad memories and I talk about the past all the time. I'm starting to realize that I cant hold onto bad memories anymore, because you cant go back and change them. Its time to enjoy all the experiences that are currently happening, because this chapter of my life is almost over. London was never a bad memory and i still miss you guys.

You made the difficult decision that I had to make very simple. I chose you.

To let go isn't to forgot, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't about winning or losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It's not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe


Thoughts Today: I have had a band show interest in me for a lead vocalist position. I'm really interested in it bc singing and songwriting are obviously my passions. It's scary though to put yourself out there because I always know that there is a chance of failure. What to do??!?

Bridges

The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn
-David Russell

I however think sometimes I need to burn them all.